Homage to Woody Guthrie

Why, Oh Why. look it up... it's a woody guthrie song. 

Why, Oh Why do I do this to myself (admit it, you do it, too). Play that What If game... that Oh, Maybe If game.
Like:
What if I sleep 9 hours, take the right supplements, meditate with just the right audio track (available for  $59.00, that's right, just $59.00 for the next 30 minutes) - maybe THEN I'll get pregnant.
What if I start tracking temps again - maybe THEN I'll get pregnant.
What if I eat pineapple and stand on my head.
What if I don't think about it at all.
What if I just pray harder.
What if I.... . 

There are so many anecdotal stories and  products or plans for sale on the internet - shrink your fibroids with wheatgrass, restore your ovulation with Chaste berry. Just eat these foods, just stop eating those foods. Stop 'worrying' about it - Susie's cousin got pregnant when she was 45, she just stopped having sex and then, wouldn't you know it?! Pregnant.

With every one of those stories I hear, one part of my brain dismisses it and picks it apart (I do have an engineering and medical degree, after all) and one part of my heart latches on and tries to convince the remaining part of my brain to rationalize just a little harder that maybe, just maybe, THAT might work.
Because, really, despite trying for 4 years, having multiple medical interventions and actually transferring a real, live, functional embryo into my uterus - it was probably just a wheatgrass, pineapple and meditation deficiency.

It's sad, really, that my desperation, sadness and trials are big business for someone out there - the fertility doctors, the health-food practitioners, the internet 'fertility' experts. It's sad that I'm bitter about it - because these things really do work for some people.... they just don't work for me.

So I keep reading the suggestions - and try to pick and choose the things that might make me healthier anyway and do those.

Sleep more? Yes.
Pray and meditate more to relieve stress and develop character? Yes.
Avoid Gluten? Yes.
Exercise more? Yes.
Appreciate daily the blessings I have? Yes.
Develop outside interests, express my feelings and love my husband? Yes, Yes and YES.
Drink wheatgrass? Well, if it tastes good and I like it, sure, why not.

I'm just not counting on any of this stuff getting me pregnant.

More knitting... less nephron

For a while, I will be a little more knitting- a little less nephron. A welcome break in my work life may allow me to get started again on the blog as I intended it to be - some random ideas and observations - since I have more time to actually POST.

One of the things that got me inspired to post again was this new blog: InfertylMyrtle - also can be found as a facebook page: Infertyl-Myrtle's Facebook page, which I like especially for the quotes/photos she has posted. A little inspiration for the journey. I waxed a little poetical on a comment on her blog, with far too many analogies to be tolerated by most normal people. Point being, I'm finding myself at a bit of a crossroads and trying to find my way forward. To borrow lyrics from Sara Bareilles' song Uncharted : Compare where you are where you wanna be and you'll get nowhere

To throw another quote at you from Andre Gide: "One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time"

Since I've also recently moved, this has literal and figurative meaning for me at  the moment.

Alright on to the mundane.... 
A New Find: at the grocery store- Coconut/Almond Milk blend! It's better than either of them alone and finally a more reasonable option to dairy milk for Muesli or when you just need a glass of milk (paleo-brownies, I'm looking at you)
Almond Breeze Coconut-Almond milk blend!

Recipe:  The aforementioned paleo-brownies... the center is the best if you accidentally overcook them like I did
BakerGal's chewy paleo brownie recipe


Yes, I know... brownies are NOT technically paleo. I get that. honey = sugar. I don't actually care. I like my chocolate now and then and figure this is better than 'real thing' nutritionally speaking. 

See, wasn't that fun? (I'm sort of talking to myself since no one actually, ahem, reads this blog....) 

maybe less than a year before my next post? Here's hoping.... 

Arghgh

Okay, so I really did have great intentions of writing a few blog posts by now.
I even planned out a few blog posts in my head while driving to work. I just neglected to actually, you know, write them.
        
                  Just a quick aside: I used to do this with thank you notes after holidays and such... I'd think about exactly what I would write, so often, in fact, that I occasionally thought I had actually written the damn thing. Really. So if you have been waiting over a year for a thank you note - please keep in mind I really enjoyed that gift. So much so that I wrote an imaginary card back to you. 


As usually happens, it is late in the evening when I think about writing, and I should be getting to bed - so maybe just a few quick entries on some things I've been enjoying lately:

• CraftLit Podcast. Genius. How sad am I that I just recently discovered this? Very sad - and yet, quite happy that I have many back episodes to listen to. If you love to read, and you are also a knitter/crocheter, etc. I encourage you to take a look at the website and start listening with episode 192-193 to begin the most recent novel (or go back further to a novel that strikes your fancy.  http://crafting-a-life.com/craftlit/?page_id=243
• PocketCasts Iphone app - a great little app that lets you know when new podcast episodes are up, allows you to listen as streaming audio or download directly, and has option to delete them when you are done listening. As someone who only gets around to syncing iphone to itunes once a week or less, I was always behind on listening to podcasts. Now, it is my primary audio accompaniment to my daily communte. I'm thinking of canceling my car XM radio because bluetooth audio + PocketCasts = entertainment. 
• Ass Kisser 2007 Shiraz. Yum. http://www.roclandestate.com/ass_kisser.htm

I've got some fibery goodness to share too... but that would require photos, flickr, etc and I'm just not up to it at the moment. Maybe before the end of June this time?!

Funny what will bring you back...

I've been thinking about reviving the blog lately. A few gentle nudges from twitter friends have helped- a reminder that people may occasionally click that link to my 'blog' and realize I've got NOTHING to say.

What really brought me back?
A need to speak, I guess. National Infertililty Awareness Week is this week and they are running a Bust a Myth blog challenge. Reading those many posts, by men and women who are using their voices to speak about their challenges and triumphs while dealing with infertility have inspired me.
These two posts, in particular, inspired me.
Bust An Infertility Myth: I Am Not A Broken Woman
Busting the stress less, pray more myths!

This journey has been one of a lot of pain and heartache, but also one of self-discovery and growth. My husband and I are probably closer than we would have been if everything had been 'easy'. It has challenged my definition of success as a woman, of my definition of my worth as a woman. Thems fighting words for an all-girls school graduate and professional woman.... that when it is all stripped away, at my core, I believed somehow I was less of a woman for my inability to have children.

It has challenged my faith - not in a 'do I believe?' sort of way, but in a 'put your money where your mouth is' and 'walk the walk' sort of way. It's easy to say you trust God. It is easy to say 'Let Go, Let God'. They are all just words until you are faced with a reality that God didn't promise you good times. He didn't promise you a child, a family, a 'happily ever after'. This isn't quid pro quo.

I haven't really decided if I'm going to participate with a specific MythBusting blog post of my own before the week is out, but the unintended consequence of the challenge was to help me overcome the activation energy of reviving the blog. One can only hope that I can keep it going with other posts on other topics.

Even if no one else is listening.

an update on some projects

I've been remiss in posting some pictures of projects finished for Christmas

Christmas of the Cowl: 5th ave infinity scarf in Cocoa Kiss and Marian in Cascade Magnum.

Sorry, Melissa....

I've jettisoned the 'joint blog' with my sister, which became obsolete when Ravelry came into our lives since it's main purpose was to share knitting projects.

I figured that, with my departure from Chucktown imminent in the next few months, it would be a good idea to start to set up an easy way to stay in touch with friends and share random musings.

We all know how good I am at keeping up with things (i.e. not at all) - so expect these entries to come in spurts.

Current projects on the needles and with work actually occurring - pictures soon:

Texter Gloves (the ones with out the thumbs... you know, for iPhone use - this will get heavy use about 12 months from now)

5th Ave infinity scarf - one for me this time.

Ramona Ruth - meant for Andrea's baby - except that she's probably already been born and will be 2yrs old by the time I get it done. I just can get motivated to work with sock yarn.

Some work to be done on some of these tomorrow - after I do my real job and take care of some patients.